Series Opens with a Houdini (hat) Trick

Fight for masculinity officially underway

SANTA CLARA, 3/8/09: Torance Matsui said it best when he posted on the Smackboard Monday morning: "(Yesterday) is what BAD ASS Baseball is all about." Sunday, March 8 pitted two men who have never lost a series as captain against one another, under blue skies with plenty of BAD ASS aura in the air. Rob Flores, playing what he says will be his final full season in the league, is attempting to go out in style by winning his 4th series in as many tries. The latest edition of his "Donkeys" franchise will have to get past first-time captain Stoph Andraesen and his Houdinis. Andraesen may have something of a hard-partying reputation but he is taking his role as captain seriously, and the Donkeys may be up for their toughest fight yet.

No matter who wins, in a way the whole league will lose, as the non-victor of this series will have to play a game in a dress and wear lipstick!

Houdinis lead series 1-0

Failure to comply with Daylight Savings time and work duties prevented Bush and Simas from arriving until the bottom of the 1st and 6th innings, respectively, hence their lower-than-usual positions in the order.

Kuzmiak's RBI double put the Houdinis in front in the 1st, answered back by a Bernal RBI single in the bottom half. The Houdinis put 2 on with one out in the 2nd but failed to score; the Donkeys put 2 on with one out in their half of the 2nd and failed to score. See a pattern? That's where it ended however.

A 3-spot by the Houdinis in the 3rd came to an end when Holley grounded hard into a 5-3 double play turned by Lynas, whose RBI single in the bottom of the 3rd would be the only Donkey scoring despite a 2-on, none-out threat.

After obliterating a pitch and missing a 3-run homer by about two feet foul, Yow would still drive home two with a bloop knock that ended up a triple following a Donkey error. This hit was sandwiched around two separate 2-run homers by Houdini captain Andraesen. In the end his team would score seven 4th-inning runs and carry that momentum into the field, where a nice Kuzmiak scoop at 1B (retiring Garewal) and a 5-3 DP turned by Bush on Ridley kept the Donkeys from answering back in their half of the 4th. At this point the Donkeys trailed 11-2.

Despite separate Yanez errors at short, the Donkeys kept Houdinis from scoring in the top of the 5th; in the bottom Wagner's IF single drove home Matsui, who'd just tripled, with the third Donkey run.

Top 6: Bush's 3-run homer to left would up the Houdini lead to 14-3, but the Donkeys would immediately answer back with 5 of their own, 2 on a Flores single and 2 on a Matsui home run. Neither club would score in the 7th, the Donkeys' zero especially painful as they'd loaded the bases with zero out only to have Houdini CF Yow suck in consecutive flies by Ridley, Flores and Matsui.

Sacramento had carried most of the pitching workload thru the first 7 innings, but by the 8th he'd inexplicably lost his touch and had to be relieved by Andraesen in the middle of Simas' at-bat! He went on to crack a double, and Chowdhury scored when Matsui fumbled the ball. Yow followed with an RBI single, then Andraesen put one of the most emphatic caps on any BAD ASS rally with a tape-measure 3-run home run to left field that, as they say, "brought the house down". Houdinis 19, Donkeys 8.

The first 4 Donkeys in the bottom of the 9th would reach, giving the Donkeys double-digits. Wagner's subsequent 3-run home run just east of the Blue Monster would close the gap to just six! Despite trailing by as many as 11, the Donkeys were not dead yet---not even close. Thanks in part to a dropped fielder's choice at 2B by Holley, they would go on to load the bases again! Even though two were out, the first real Houdini sweat began to trickle down. Up stepped Minor, who's always stepped it up in clutch spots. Unfortunately for him this time, LF Andraesen's glove got in his way.

"Way to draft yourself, skip." -- Davis, after Andraesen's first home run of the day.

"Was that (pitch) too low?" -- Simas, to Andraesen rounding third base, needing reinforcement after serving up Andraesen's 8th-inning home run that cleared the fence by about 25 feet.

AWARDS AND HIGHLIGHTS

Andraesen named himself BAD ASS of the Day for cracking 3 homers and driving in six---the award was shared by Bush who went 6-for-7 with the homer, Chowdhury, who was batting .348 coming in but chipped in a solid 5-for-7, 3-run effort, and Kuzmiak who was 7-for-7. The entire Houdini defense played well and earned Gold Gloves from their skipper. No Small Penis was named.

Simas went 2-for-2 with a run each scored and driven home. One wonders how well the Houdini offense would have clicked had Holley and Davis not combined for a hard-luck 3-for-15---many of their 12 outs creamed directly into the glove of a Donkey defender (most often Lynas who was sparkling defensively at 3B).

For the Donkeys, Matsui claimed the first cycle of 2009, which surprisingly only resulted in two RBI. Wagner drove in a total of 4 runs and Yanez finished with 6 singles in as many at-bats.

"Look, I see a pig." -- Matsui, pointing to the sky, after third baseman Kuzmiak completed a 5-3 putout on Flores in the 1st. Kuz instantly came back with "Look, I see an asshole" while pointing at Matsui.

MORE NOTES

• Garewal was forced to the bench after grounding out in the 4th, having suffered quad and hamstring strains. He did stay for the remainder of the game supporting his teammates.

• PLK's continued to be the theme of the early season. Donkeys Lynas and Garewal, plus Houdinis Sacramento and Bush, each recorded one. Lynas' was the first of his career.

• Matsui confused everyone present by running the bases backward following his home run, passing his less-than-thrilled captain in the process. Flores would insist the outfielder go back and run the bases properly and he complied.

• The conditions at Goodson were much improved after Flores, Yow, Bernal and Matsui spent their entire Saturday afternoon mowing the rain-thickened grass and resurfaced the batters' box and portions of the infield.

• In the 9th inning, Matsui hit a long foul ball to right-center field that from his vantage point appeared to have home run distance. Without the fence raised there was nothing else to go on besides the word of CF Yow, who did not signal home run. Matsui did not seriously argue.

"Someone's been in Cav's medicine cabinet!" -- Minor (unconfirmed), after Yow's foul home run in the 4th.

In the wake of Flores' upcoming retirement from BAB, he immediately relinquished his commissionership. After today's series game the BAB contingent gathered at the mound to vote on his successor. Flores' nomination of Bush was backed by the majority of BAD ASSes present; Bush accepted the nomination and instantly became co-commissioner of BAD ASS Baseball. Congratulations to one of the most dedicated members of the league...

...once the meeting concluded, Sacramento, Minor, Garewal and Ridley departed; the remaining 15 BAD ASSes went on to play the 2nd exhibition game of the 2009 season. Yow and Simas captained the Dutch Rudders and Morning Wood, respectively. Other than a Yow/Flores swap, the exhibition rosters matched the series rosters! Two twists to this game: in reaction to the Winter Meetings vote to experiment with no pitcher's hand rules and limited tag-ups, BAB chose this game to perform the experiment. Tag-ups would initially be permitted only from 2nd to 3rd, but later allowed from 1st to 2nd as well.

A 1-0 1st-inning Wood lead was short lived once Matsui's long homer powered a 3-run Rudder 1st. One inning later they'd expand on it, as Matsui and Bernal each added two-run blasts in a 5-run 2nd inning. A brutal error on a routine pop at BS by Davis helped the Rudders tack on 3 more in the third; Wagner's ITPHR---which no one could tell had rolled under the fence or not for a while---and a solo conventional bomb by Manning accounted for two additional runs.

Down 13-3 after five innings and looking lethargic, Wood began to finally heat up a little offensively. They'd score two in the 6th and get a 3-run home run from Bush in the 7th. Now down 13-8, the Wood dared to dream...briefly, as this would be the first and last time they seriously threatened. Matsui belted a 2-run triple up the middle, and Lynas and Bernal each added RBI singles to up the lead to 17-8 in the bottom of the 7th. Andraesen would belt an 8th-inning solo HR for the Wood---quickly trumped by a 7-run Rudder 8th inning that featured Matsui's 3rd homer of the game!

By the 9th, the only real question that remained: could Flores---who held down CF for the Wood today---get off the schnide? 0-for-5 entering the 9th, Rob led off...with an out. Bush quickly followed with another out. As the Wood began to literally pack it in, they suddenly put together a mini-rally that led to RBI hits by Andraesen and Kuzmiak. Chowdhury appeared to have made the last out but his popup kicked off CF Yow's glove, scoring Kuzmiak and keeping the inning alive! Davis then roped one to LF that fell for a hit, got past LF Wagner, and rolled all the way to the fence! When Simas singled Davis in from 3rd to make it 24-14, Flores would have another shot. This time he got a clean single down the LF line to break the oh-fer.

Now that that issue was resolved, Bush proceeded to fly out to center field and end the game.

"(Stephen) Jackson should put (Monta Ellis) at gunpoint." -- Andraesen, explaining to Holley how the Warriors should deal with the reportedly-unhappy Ellis. Playing the role of Jackson, Holley added "Light-skinned muthafucka!"

AWARDS AND HIGHLIGHTS

In reference to the rosters that nearly matched the series rosters, Yow gave BAD ASS of the Day to the "Donkeys minus Rob", a.k.a. the Dutch Rudders. Lynas and Wagner were awarded Gold Gloves, and Flores still took Small Penis in spite of breaking the oh-fer. Wagner finished with a mini-cycle, 7-for-8 line for the Rudders (scoring each time he reached), while Matsui went 6-for-8 with another cycle, the 3 homers, and 9 RBI. Manning had a shot at the cycle late in the game with a single but advanced to 2nd when LF Andraesen's throw to the infield ended up at home plate.

On the Wood side, Andraesen clubbed two more homers with 5 RBI, while Bush ended up with a cycle of his own. His triple was especially memorable, as he actually slipped and fell approaching 1st base and still had the speed to leg out a legitimate 3-bagger ! Simas did not fare well, only 2-for-6 with 2 PLK. On a brighter note, Davis and Holley recovered somewhat from their tough series game, each going 3-for-6 and hitting the ball on the screws decently enough.

"That was the biggest problem I had when I was coaching Little League---gettin' kids to run through first base. I don't know how many times I told 'em, 'Run THROUGH' the fuckin' base!!!'" --- Kuzmiak, to his Wood teammates, after Chowdhury beat out an infield single by properly running through first base.

MORE NOTES

• Sacramento missed his first game of 2009.

• After vowing to play more infield this season, Matsui finally debuted at SS and played the first 5 innings there until....

• Wagner played SS in the 6th. Andraesen hit a screaming one hopper him so hard it sent Dave back-pedaling in fear as he attempted to scoop the ball. He returned to LF shortly where....

• Wagner robbed Bush of a HR as he leapt and fell through the orange fence.

• Yow posted the first two sac flies of the day. Kuzmiak would post the first Wood sac fly in the 5th. Manning popped out foul to Davis at 1B in the 7th; Lynas caught him lapsing just long enough to move from 2nd to 3rd. Late in the game, Wagner attempted to score from 2nd on a fly out, but was overruled and sent back to 3rd.

• In the bottom of the 8th, Wagner got a hit that ended up in the hands of BS Kuzmiak, who attempted to make a throw to the plate. His throw somehow managed to fly over the backstop and arc perfectly along its plane, as it ended up caroming off the concession stand behind it! By this time the game's outcome was pretty much decided, and both sides were able to get one more laugh out of Kuz' arm .

• In the 5th, while catching, Simas all-but-accidentally trapped a Yow foul-tip with his bare hand. JD

·      us

* Players of the Week *

BAD ASS of the Day 

Stoph Andraesen, Houdinis (1)

3 HR, 6 RBI

Bryan Bush, Houdinis (1)

6-for-7, HR

Soonam Chowdhury, Houdinis (1)

5-for-7, 3 R

Kevin Kuzmiak, Houdinis (1)

7-for-7

Donkeys (sans Rob) (2)

Stepped up in non-series contest

Gold Glove

Houdinis (1)

Solid defense throughout

Greg Lynas, Rudders (2)

Wicked backhand stab and throw

Dave Wagner, Rudders (2)

Home Run stealing catch

Small Penis

* none * (1)

Rob Flores, Wood (2)

1-for-7